Somebody Said It Better

"I have long believed that it is only right and appropriate that before one sleeps with someone, one should be able – if called upon to do so – to make them a proper omelet in the morning. Surely that kind of civility and selflessness would be both good manners and good for the world."

"Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

"You’ll always be powerless to this girl. You’ll never be in charge. There’s something there … that makes you crazy and always will. If you don’t cut the connection for good, in the end that something will destroy you. You’re no longer merely answering natural need with her. … You violated the law of aesthetic distance. You sentimentalized the aesthetic experience with this girl - you personalized it, you sentimentalized it, and you lost the sense of separation essential to your enjoyment … I’m not against it because it’s digusting. I’m against it because it’s falling in love. The only obsession everyone wants: ‘love.’ People think that in falling in love they make themselves whole? The Platonic union of souls? I think otherwise. I think you’re whole before you begin."

"Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. That’s what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. That’s what all that adolescent, macho male posturing, and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. It’s called ‘dick fear.’ Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem. You don’t have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy theory at work. It sounds like this: ‘What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them!’ And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. It’s a subconscious need to project the penis into other people’s affairs."

"What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?"

"Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He’d say, “I’m goin’ upstairs and fuck your grandmother.” Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn’t gonna lie to a little kid."

"No matter how much you know, no matter how much you think, no matter how much you plot and you connive and you plan, you’re not superior to sex. It’s a very risky game. A man wouldn’t have two-thirds of the problems he has if he didn’t venture off to get fucked. It’s sex that disorders our normally ordered lives. I know this as well as anyone."

"It’s funny though, isn’t it? All that poetry and all those songs, about something that lasts no time at all."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

"I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, “Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.” So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex."